


you mean more to me than the moon and stars combined

by notsofluffyunicorn



Series: my heart is fractured, but you're the glue holding me together [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Parent Pepper Potts, Parent Tony Stark, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Pepper Potts, Protective Tony Stark, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, me just wishing that my parents acted like pepper and tony, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 10:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18341666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsofluffyunicorn/pseuds/notsofluffyunicorn
Summary: “You was gone for a good thirty minutes, buddy,” Tony whispered, shaking his head. “It took us a minute to figure it out. But it’s okay. You’re okay.”Peter shook his head, his bottom lip trembling. He pulled back and stared at them both, his fucking parents, and he burst into tears. “‘M not okay,” he wailed, falling into them. “I’m not okay. I’m not okay.” He garbled out, his chest fissuring with every word that rushed past his lips.





	you mean more to me than the moon and stars combined

**Author's Note:**

> So.. This is actually my first time posting anything to this fandom. So, heya! 
> 
> Trigger warning: This does mention suicidal thoughts, please, just be careful. Don't deliberately trigger yourself, please take care. If anybody is suffering with mental health, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for anybody who wants to talk. 
> 
> This is just me venting my childhood frustrations out and pushing them onto Peter Parker. Life's rough y'all, and honestly, if people just took more notice, tried to help that little bit more, life would be that little bit simpler. Help your friends, your family, your coworkers. Just ask them if they're okay, and you could legit change someones life.

_ You mean more to me than the moon and the stars combined  _

The water was cold. That was the first thing he noticed when he came back to himself. 

He glanced down at the water that was now sudsless, the water cool and pale blue, brushing against his skin enticingly. He couldn’t stop his brain from firing off all the ways in which he could use the cooling water to end his life. He wanted to shut his mind off, but he just  _ couldn’t _ . 

“Peter! Hurry up!” May’s voice was shockingly louder than he’d anticipated, and he jolted backwards, water sloshing over the edge of the tub. His senses were in overdrive, the noises from the apartment and most of Queens reaching his ears painfully. He hurriedly scrubbed at his cheeks, splashing the water over his face to wash away all traces of tears. 

His eyes would still be puffy, but that would be okay. She wouldn’t notice anyway. She never did. 

Slowly, he pushed himself up from the bath, taking extra caution not to put a dent in the metal. Whenever he dissociated, his senses ended up going haywire, and that usually was met with damages all around the house if he wasn’t careful enough. May still hadn’t forgiven him for denting the fridge that Ben had bought them when they’d first moved into the apartment. 

He grabbed a fluffy towel from the unit and wrapped it around himself. Then, he just stood there. 

The tears were still burning in the back of his eyes, his throat was still clogged up, and he wanted so desperately to just  _ fucking scream _ . He stared down at his feet beseechingly, almost as though they held the answers of the universe. The same questions were swirling rapidly around his mind like mould, black mould, infesting every single molecule of his mind. 

_ Does anybody notice? Does anybody even give a shit anymore?  _

He shook his head, clearing his throat. He’d had his five minutes, and now he needed to pull himself together and get back on with it all. No matter how much he wished he could just dive back into the water and drown. 

Pulling the door open, he barely glanced at his impatient aunt before darting off into his bedroom, suddenly anxious to get dressed and back out of the apartment. The walls were slowly closing in. The longer he stayed, the tighter the vice around his chest got. 

“May,” He called before the bathroom door could shut. “Don’t forget it’s my weekend with the Starks.” He watched as his aunt nodded firmly before shutting the door, the sound of the lock echoing through his ears like a baby rattle. 

It had been just shy of a year since the Avengers had managed to fix everything with Thanos’ finger-snap bullshit, and when Tony had brought Peter back, there had definitely been a period where they could barely be away from each other. Thus, resulting in him practically living with Tony and Pepper for six months before he finally started alternating his time between the Stark penthouse and May’s apartment. 

Unfortunately, May was still adjusting. 

He shook his head, trying to dispel the noise before closing his own door. He grabbed the clothes piled haphazardly on his desk and threw them on, wrinkling his nose as the clothes stuck and rubbed against his wet skin. 

Tapping at the watch three times, he smiled slightly as the Spiderman suit began forming around him. The nanobots Tony had incorporated into his suit and watch had been a lifesaver on many occasions. He shouted one last goodbye to his aunt before swinging out of his window, the comforting sounds of Karen booting up greeting him. 

“Peter,” His AI greeted warmly, the fastest direction to the penthouse already mapped out. “How are you today?” 

That was the question really, wasn’t it. Was he supposed to lie? Say he was okay, say he was happy, when he wasn’t? 

In reality, an invisible weight had settled like lead in his chest and he struggled to breathe  _ all the damn time _ , and he was dissociating more than ever, barely able to stay in a room with someone for more than three hours before he inevitably went off somewhere else. He was having anxiety attacks daily, he was  _ really  _ feeling the separation anxiety, too. 

He wanted to just stop fighting. He didn’t want to fight anymore. He was tired. 

“I’m good, Karen!” He grinned instead, tightening the chain around the bubbling thoughts in his mind. He was fine. He was always fine. “Anything I should be doing before I get home?” 

Karen was silent for a moment before humming. “Not that I can see,” She informed him. “Friday’s just informed me that Boss would rather you home sooner rather than later, though.” 

It hadn’t escaped Peter’s notice that his AI friend was being louder than usual, almost completely blocking out the sounds of the world. He wanted to sob with relief. 

Peter’s eyes narrowed and he quickly scoured his mind for something he’d done that could possibly get him in trouble. “Okay, I’ve ran through everything I’ve done in the last five days since I’ve seen them, and I can’t think of anything that would make them mad at me,” He decided, smiling slightly as the top of the (very large) penthouse came into view. 

Some of that weight pulled up slightly, and he gulped greedily at the extra air filling his lungs. There really was no place like home. 

“You are quite funny, young Peter,” Karen intoned, her tone almost playful. “But I am sure it has nothing to do with you being in trouble.” She promised. “Friday would’ve told me.” 

Peter snorted, “Honestly, you two talk too much and conspire and learn from each other and I’m slightly concerned that you’re both planning total world domination.” 

Karen shocked him lightly for his comment, and he giggled childishly, his brain alight with the happiness he felt in that moment. It was almost overwhelming. 

“Thanks, Kare,” He grinned. “Recharged my batteries!” 

The rest of the journey was spent in mostly silence. The problem with silence was that it left you a lot of room to think about things you’d rather not think about. 

He knew he was getting bad. His mental health had taken a serious decline, and that was okay, really. He was amazing at pretending that he was okay. Nobody would notice the difference. Except, Tony and Pepper  _ had  _ noticed. They’d pushed, and coddled, and begged him to open up, only to retreat in disappointment when he clammed up. 

Although, that was before he’d starting getting the nagging thoughts that maybe, just  _ maybe _ , it would’ve been better for everyone if his pseudo-father had left him in the other place. Before he’d started staring at water and planning the most efficient way to drown. Before he’d started dissociating. 

The decision was made. He would have to tell somebody, and he’d much rather it be Tony and or Pepper than anybody else. He had to tell somebody, because he wanted ( _ needed _ ) someone to pull him back from the ledge he was teetering on so precariously. 

He swung across the field and glided in through his open bedroom window with enough flare that he was pretty sure he could win a drama contest. He sighed softly, his eyes darting around the room quickly, making sure everything was as it should be. 

“Pete? S’that you?” Pepper’s voice called from somewhere in the house.

He tapped his watch three times again, shivering slightly as the suit practically fell off him, the nanobots running across his body to secure themselves to his watch again. “Yeah!” He called back, his heart beginning to thump wildly in his chest. 

It was always hard being away from them. It was terrifying in ways he hadn’t ever felt. He’d never really suffered with separation anxiety before, and the comedown after spending however many days riled up without them was always exhausting. 

The heat was prickling at the base of his neck, slowly creeping its way through his body and threatening to pull him under for the second time that night. The thought of actually saying the words out loud made him want to curl up into a ball and never move, never speak, never breathe. 

He collapsed on the floor, his vision swimming, breaths coming out in unsteady pants as he tried to calm his racing heart. The numbness was battling with the fire running through his veins like lava, and he couldn’t decide which one he wanted to win. 

A panicked squeak escaped his lips, and he curled up as tightly as he could, tears already clinging to his lashes. 

_ How the hell was he supposed to tell his parental-figures that he’d rather be dead if he literally couldn’t even think about telling them?  _

“-er?” A soft voice cooed. A puff of warm air on his neck, his face, his ear. “Peter?” The same voice repeated. A hand on his back, rubbing up and down, side to side, round and round. “Sweetheart, open your eyes.” 

His eyes shot open, and he greedily gulped in all the air his lungs suddenly felt deprived of. 

“Oh, my god,” Pepper cried in relief, her eyes meeting his for a frantic second before she pulled him into what was quite possibly the tightest hug of his life. 

Peter whimpered lowly, clutching at her back desperately. He spotted Tony just to the left of him and immediately reached out for him too. “How long?” He rasped, praying that they understood. He didn’t  _ want  _ to explain it. He couldn’t. 

“You was gone for a good thirty minutes, buddy,” Tony whispered, shaking his head. “It took us a minute to figure it out. But it’s okay. You’re okay.” 

Peter shook his head, his bottom lip trembling. He pulled back and stared at them both, his fucking  _ parents _ , and he burst into tears. 

“‘M not okay,” he wailed, falling into them. “I’m not okay. I’m not okay.” He garbled out, his chest fissuring with every word that rushed past his lips. 

They held him tighter, neither one of them shushing him. Instead, they rocked him as though he were a child. And honestly, he was. A  _ child.  _ He was sixteen years old and yet he felt like he was just barely breathing 

“I’m struggling so much, and it just hurts. I don’t want to keep fighting anymore. I just feel numb most of the time and I’m sixteen and I can’t be away from you,” he sobbed. “I can’t stop thinking about how easy it would be to just die.” 

“Peter,” Tony whispered, his voice hoarse and broken. “Peter.” He repeated, cradling him closer like he was trying to give him every ounce of life he had left. 

“But I can’t die, I can’t do that. Not to you. You’re my mom and dad,” he croaked raggedly. “But I can’t  _ breathe.  _ And nobody even noticed, and it hurts.” 

Pepper sobbed softly into his ear and pulled back slightly and immediately his heart plummeted. That was his mom, and the idea of her crying broke his heart entirely. And she was  _ leaving.  _

“Mommy I’m sorry!” He almost screamed. He clutched at her desperately, his senses running rampant as he held her to him almost dangerously tight. She couldn’t leave him, she couldn’t. “Don’t go!” 

“Oh, baby,” She whimpered, holding him just as tight. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to look at you.” She cooed, her voice clogged with tears. 

Peter shook his head and buried his face into both of their shoulders, keeping all three of them inexplicably interlocked. 

“We noticed, kid,” Tony whispered, his fingers brushing through his hair soothingly. “Of course we noticed. We tried thinking of ways to help, but they just weren’t helping.” He said breathlessly. “But I need you to listen to me. We love you, and we will help you with this. I will  _ not  _ lose you again. Not to this. We can work through this, together.” 

Peter nodded desperately. God, he would give almost anything to just be happy for more than five minutes without it crashing down around him just as quickly. 

“I need help,” he admitted, his chest expanding as all the air left him in one go. He sagged against them. “I need help, dad.” He repeated, squeezing them both tighter. 

“We’re gonna help you,” his mom promised, pressing a fierce kiss to his temple. 

His dad reached over and began slowly wiping the tears off his cheeks. “Let us fight with you.” he begged, pained. 

He whined lowly in the back of his throat and buried his face into their shoulders again, a cacophony of emotions rising up inside of him, making the panic hurtle towards him again. 

“Hey,” Tony soothed, nuzzling him slightly. “It’s okay. We’re okay. Keep breathing, Pete.” He encouraged, his hand sweeping up and down his back again. 

Pepper hummed softly, her fingers digging into his shoulder blades. “We’re going to get you an appointment with a therapist,” Peter nodded meekly. He wasn’t exactly in the best position to refuse it. “You haven’t got to tell us anything, Pete, but we want you too. You’re our kid, and you mean the world to us. You are the most important thing in our lives and we’d be lost without you. So please,  _ please, _ I’m begging you, just tell us what you need and we’ll do it.” Her voice broke. “I love you more than the stars and moon combined.” 

“I love you both,” He croaked. “More than anything.” 

He wasn’t okay. He wouldn’t be okay for long time. Peter wasn’t naïve. Therapy didn’t solve everything. He knew he would still have his bad days, and his even worse days, but the panic lessened slightly when his  _ mom and dad  _ tightened their grips on him. 

His mom and his dad. 

He had to fight harder, he had to work through this, because his mom and dad had already lost him once. His mom and dad were fighting with him, and he wasn’t alone, no matter what he thought. There was someone backing him. 

Peter could still see the appeal in death. He could feel it in his very fibres. He could still feel the urge to fill the bathtub up with water and lay face down. But, he could also feel the strength emitting from the two people holding him, and that was all it took to talk him down from the ledge. 

All it took was someone to remind him that he was loved, that he was cherished, and that he’d be  _ missed.  _

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a series. I don't know how long until I add my next story. 
> 
> \- depending on how you guys react to this, I've got a bunch of other material up my sleeve, so keep an eye out for more spiderson and irondad. And more spiderson, irondad, and mamapepper.


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